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“I just couldn’t believe that was what he was saying,” Jane told .

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If you discover you’re involved with a driver, don’t burn up your life fuel trying to sort out what you think are their problems – address the issues that make you a passenger first. Baggage Reclaim is a guide to learning to live and love with self-esteem by breaking the patterns that stand in your way.

In some instances, when you change, the driver may adapt as well, but you’re also likely to find that the relationship is no longer attractive because your mentality has changed. Whether it's figuring out what’s going on in a troubling relationship, understanding you and self-care, or being more assertive, I’m here to help you guide you.

When they end the relationship or they get back together after the driver has promised that things will be different ‘this time’, they may actually feel like the driver.

In some instances, it can seem like it’s passenger:passenger – ie you’re both really messed up together but you will find that under those layers, someone is actually the driver.

The driver steers the relationship on their terms, agenda, and ‘route’.

They may have a solo agenda that they’re open about and/or may have a hidden agenda.

If you have the hallmarks without the landmarks, your relationship is either casual and/or unhealthy.

Before you go doing any big ticket commitment items, I suggest you make sure that the landmarks are present first.

It’s important to recognise that addressing issues in relationships needs to be co-piloted too – you can’t work at something where another person has their foot out the door, has already moved on, or is in denial.When you recognise the importance of being a co-pilot sans a hidden agenda, not only will it be far harder to be swept along by an unavailable or assclown tide, but you’ll no longer be ‘helpless’ in your relationships and will have the ability to work out where you’re at.We can become very focused on the ‘hallmarks’ – these are what we consider to be the ‘markings’ of a relationship such as sleeping together over an extended period of time, having things in common, great sex, a ‘connection’, ‘chemistry’, future talk, being introduced to people, etc as well as big ticket commitment items like moving in, babies, marriage.They assume that if these elements are present that the landmarks will automatically follow.The landmarks of healthy relationships are intimacy, consistency, balance, progression, and commitment as well as shared values and what should come as standard in any relationship – love, care, trust, and respect.When you leave a relationship that isn’t working for you, it’s because you recognise that your agendas cannot be a joint one.