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Or if you’re feeling romantic just pull your underpants down to your knees, or if you’re a girl pull your top up and put your bra on top of your boobs so they look a bit like flip-up sunglasses for tits. If you’re a man you may want to pull your legs right up as far as they will go, and then put your feet either side of your computer so the webcam can see your balls going up and down and stuff. We all need a different amount of hands to help us achieve sexual satisfaction, usually the rule is one for boys and two for girls so they they can touch their boobs as well as their noo noo. If you’re going to do this then make sure you get their age, sex and location – from experience this will help you find them a lot faster than getting a plane to their country and then going to their house and rifling through their bins and then having a stand up argument with their father on the lawn and then apologising a lot and crying.

If you’re a lady then maybe face the other way on all fours so you’re not looking at the camera and I can see your bum and fanny-- I mean so your partner can see your bum and fanny. When you’re doing cybersex and you don’t have a microphone, you’re going to need to type while you’re getting yourself off, so practice typing one-handed while masturbating in your free time, for instance at work or on the train or while babysitting or identifying a loved one. Remember it isn’t just you that wants to come to a shuddering climax, it’s also the person you’re looking directly at, or several people on Mumsnet. Type hot things like “Mmm I’m touching my penis with my hand” (vagina if you’re a girl) and “do you want me to make my tummy banana make sticky milk? Other people in the library are going to need that keyboard, so for heavens sake make sure you have a wet wipe handy (KFC do excellent ones, and they’re cheap too! If you’re a girl you probably don’t have this problem, unless you’re like one of the women I saw on a video once, which was like watching a fire hose going off except the fire hose was between her legs and made of minge.

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