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During my morning reconnaissance I’m delighted to find a seemingly little-used convenience near the fire exit stairs. Returning later to do the deed I’m anxious, yet relieved to find my chosen stall unoccupied. Smartphones usually serve handsomely in this regard, but the building’s thick walls render 4G useless.

And I’m not about to risk searching for porn on my client’s wifi. I tend to favour lying down during the act of self-love (on my right-hand side, biting a pillow since you ask).

So I decided to do an experiment: one week of masturbating at work, to see if it would make me a significantly improved person.

And in the interests of equality and science, I also recruited Andy, one of our writers, our new agony uncle, and a person with a penis, to test out the technique too. Trying to make sense of the present debate around masturbation in the workplace, I’ve realised the only scientific way to sort fact from fiction is to take matters into your own hands… My plan is to choke my chicken once a day, on business premises, for a full working week, then write about my findings.

I make myself try half-heartedly for fifteen minutes, give up, and return to my desk.

I’d much rather have spent that time deleting emails. Attitude is important, and I figure there’s no way I’m going to get off if I’m expecting defeat.

And to think mum told me journalism wasn’t a proper career.

If you’re curious about the etiquette, technique or privacy then read on. As a freelance writer, I divide my time between various poncy London offices and my Brighton living room.

As anyone with a clitoris can imagine, it doesn’t feel great. Underused toilets free of colleagues are key, a smartphone or some other sexually interesting material is required, and it’d be ideal if we had special nap/wank booths.

Therefore I conclude the best way to successfully discharge my mission is in a bathroom.

The building’s old-fashioned layout means there’s several such hideaways on each floor. I can’t be the only man who finds it hard in this era of ubiquitous smut to ‘find the biting point’ wank-wise without some form of pornographic prompt.

I pull up my socks, pull down my pants, and set to work. I’m sure that someone will come in, get annoyed that I’ve been in the cubicle for 10 minutes, and assume I’m taking a massive dump. My post-orgasm state isn’t energised, focused, and ready to work. I want to lounge in blankets and have my hair stroked.

I’d rather they knew I was rubbing one out, to be honest. I want to walk around in an oversized shirt while eating strawberries. I manage to get through a good twenty minutes, and, surprisingly enough, halfway through it does feel pretty great.