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Dating mother and daughter

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by Cheri Fuller There are lots of positive things about being good friends with your daughter. But when Mom sees her daughter as her main confidante or they become overly close, it can hinder a healthy transition to adulthood. She appreciated and loved her mom, but during the college years she wanted a little distance to grow. She was dependent on her daughter’s dependency, which fostered insecurity in Julie.I’ve talked to moms who say their adult daughter is their very closest, best friend. This sweet, caring mother had done even through her daughter’s twenties (her taxes, reconciling her checkbook, and doing her laundry, all of which Julie was capable of doing herself).Then Julie sought counseling to find a way to detach with love, forgive, and live her own life while still honoring her mother.At first her mother resisted the change in their relationship. But as Julie stood her ground and learned how to separate and draw some healthy boundaries, her mother finally got the message: She needed to have her own life, not try to live through her daughter.She gave up a lot of her own perfectly normal desires and interests in order to go home when her mom needed companionship or to call her more often than she had time for.Julie’s mom didn’t realize she was manipulating situations and thereby preventing her daughter from being a stable, healthy adult.If you don’t switch the roles, the relationship will be healthier—and isn’t that what you want?Your daughter will be freer to live her life and develop her own identity, friendships, and interests.

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It’s vital to avoid confiding to her toxic feelings about her father (or another family member) that will negatively affect her relationship with that person. She’s still your daughter, and you are her little girl.

When Julie didn’t marry through her twenties and early thirties, her mom asked from time to time, out of real concern, “Don’t you want to get married? Mom and daughter operated in this kind of dysfunctional connection for a decade before Julie realized the growing venom and resentment she felt toward her mom.

She’d started avoiding her, and when they were together, Julie was either curt or silent.

Being mom’s main emotional support felt spiritual and noble, especially when she had to sacrifice some of her own fun times with friends, but it was actually detrimental to the process of Julie’s learning to grow up and live her own life.

When she started pulling away in small steps during college, like spending the weekend on campus for an activity with friends, her mom asked guilt-producing questions like, “Why aren’t you coming home more? ” Being a compliant people pleaser, Julie got sucked into an enmeshed relationship with her mother.